My Purpose, God's Plan

It finally hit me.

It's been on my mind a lot lately, the constant "Why me?" and "What did I do to deserve this?"

My husband and I are having issues in our marriage right now and have off and on for the last 16 yrs. Things that shouldn't even be an issue and that has nothing to do with our marriage or relationship, except my husband has made it an issue. With all the things that are said, I feel like I'm being broken down. It hurts and sometimes it just seems like too much to overcome.

You see, I've always had God in my life. I derailed a period of my life but I'm back on track and still growing. My husband was raised in a non-strict Mormon home. He has his many questions and gets frustrated with people who "preach" yet "picks and chooses" from the Bible what fits in their lifestyle and not being true Christians yet hypocrites. So he is guarded. However, in March he did come to accept Jesus Christ to be his Saviour, but he's still guarded and not following God's word.

Now that I have started listening to KLOVE full-time, my husband actually enjoys the music. He is someone like me who likes heavy metal such as the likes of Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie and Slipknot and listens to it all the time still so it's encouraging to see that he likes KLOVE and the Christian music they play. It's also encouraging to see there are little changes in him.

However, we still have the main issue at hand. His issue with me which is a daily struggle for me. Right now he isn't giving me kisses that I'm so used to getting upon going to work, coming home from work or even going to bed. Nothing! Everything else though is normal, just the lack of my daily kiss. This is a daily struggle I'm facing as it has been just over 2 weeks. I'm afraid this is going to get too comfortable and then they'll be gone forever. I'm afraid this will become the new "normal". I can't live like this.

Then it hit me.

I was driving to work this morning and heard the song "Wait and See" by Brandon Heath and it all fell into place. God is using me to get my husband to get closer to him. I started to think that what I have been enduring the last 16 yrs can't possible come close to what Jesus did for us. I have accepted that and if this is what I have to endure to get my husband to come to Jesus and start going to church, then I can accept it. This is God's plan. It hurts and I'm struggling but I will just continue to pray for his guidance and strength to get me through this.

Change in progress

About a month ago my friend, two of her kids, me and my child all hopped in the car and headed south. Disneyland to be exact.

About a week before we left, she had told me about a radio station, some I'm sure have heard of it, KLOVE. I've never been one to listen to Christian music. It was always Pop, Alternative, Hard Rock, Metal or my Smooth Jazz. Yes, I love a wide variety. I've had a love for Smooth Jazz though since I was about 15 yrs old. In the last several years I've been listening to it more and more because I felt "safe" in God's eyes. It's pleasing to the ears and soul.

THEN, one day on the freeway I noticed one of those advertising signs showing my smooth jazz channel KKSF (in San Francisco) was no longer smooth jazz but classic rock??? WHAT?? I hurried to change the channel cause we were listening to a CD at the time and sure enough, it wasn't my same music. Needless to say, I was so upset!

Which brings me to our trip to Disneyland. We listened to KLOVE just about the whole trip. Sure, we had some CD's like Miley Cyrus and similar but I have really come to enjoy Christian Music. I even have a few songs that I really like. Here are a few if you would like to hear.

Revelation Song by Phillips Craig & Dean

Glorious by Newsboys

City on our knees by Toby Mac

In the hands of God by Newsboys

The lost get found by Britt Nicole

Best part, my daughter enjoys it also!! I hope I have her on the right track!

My Quest Continues

In my quest to become closer to Jesus, I have been taking baby steps. Whether it be to try and read a chapter out of the Bible a day or pray more every day. I know these steps are very important if I want God to know I am serious and that I DO want to grow more, learn more and to learn to love him like true Christians do.

I am someone that doesn't like to be told what to do though. I have always had someone telling me what to do through out my life and I am at a point in my life where I feel "enough is enough". I'm a grown woman (okay, that sounds weird for me to call myself a woman, but I am.) and I can make my own decisions. Now, when my mom talks to me about getting closer to God, she tells me I need to do this or I need to do that. That's great information but at the same time, it sounds like nagging to me. Then I start to tune it out and all I hear is "blah, blah, blah". Really. I don't want to feel like that and I know she doesn't mean to sound that way because I know she is worried for me, as is my brother. I'm trying though. I need time and it has to be because I'm ready, not because she wants me to be ready.

I do feel like I am making a positive change, slowly of course. A month ago my mom came to me and said that she had been wanting to ask me something. Something her and my brother were talking about. Bible study, there at her house. Would I be interested? I thought, "sure, why not". I mean, she said that the only way to grow is to open myself to more opportunities like this. I won't grow if I just go to church each Sunday and that's it. Good point! So now, for the past three weeks, I have met my mom, brother and sister-in-law over at my parent's house for Bible study. To be honest, I actually enjoy it. We talk about issues we may have at the time or questions. I feel this is a good thing for me too!

Another thing is, my mom and I have started going to a new church. How we heard of it is we know the Pastor from our other church we had previously been attending. This Pastor was someone who worked within the church. Was kind of a substitute Pastor but things didn't work out so he found his new home at this new church we have started going to. It's a wonderful church. Very old school which I love. Small congregation. Each Sunday morning when I'm there, I get this homey, country feeling. You know when your watching a movie that is centered around a small town with farms and everyone knows everyone. Kind of like the movie "Man in the moon" with Reese Witherspoon. That is the feeling I get when I'm there. I just love it so much!

Well, for the past few weeks they have been announcing that they will be having a membership class for anyone that would like to become a member of the church. This was something that I thought would be good for me but it meant me stepping out of my comfort zone. I mean, I had never become a member of any church. However, I feel good about this church and my mom asked if I would like to sign up with her and I had doubts. Questioning myself about what would go on in this membership class. Would I have to get up in front of everyone, which always makes me nervous to do, or kind of making excuses to myself such as whether or not I had plans that weekend thinking the class was on a Saturday. Then I noticed it was on a Sunday, an hour before service. Something came over me and I did it. I was nervous but I went ahead and stepped out of my comfort zone and signed up. That will be this weekend. I can't wait!

So, I am making progress. I'm still continuing to grow and enjoying life but also trying to let go of the steering wheel and trusting Jesus to take over for me.

Prayer

Prayer [prair] – noun

a spiritual communion with God or an object of worship, as in supplication, thanksgiving, adoration, or confession.

~~~

I totally believe in prayer. I try to pray on a daily basis too. Sometimes I tend to miss a day or two and I can sure see the difference in my life when I miss those day. Time to get back on track!

Lately I've been praying more extensively. Praying about not only myself but for my family and friends and for people I was too selfish to acknowledge in my prayers, on a daily basis. When people tell me of situations in their lives that need prayers, I have always been one to say "I'll keep you in my prayers" but I would always be very forgetful when doing my prayers. So lately, when I tell someone that I'll pray for them, I make a point to keep them in my prayers....literally! I have noticed that my prayers are being answered for them also. What an awesome feeling!

These last few days I have been slacking off too. I have noticed cause it seems like the little things are becoming issues in my life so I felt like I needed to get back on track. God needs to know I need him and I need to praise him for all the good he does in my life....because I am truly grateful for all he does for me! So many things that have been happening in my life lately have been bad but have turned out okay and not as worse as it could have been. I am truly grateful for that and it's all because of the good Lord!

So, if you aren't the praying type, give it a try. God is listening! He hears you and knows what you are feeling and what you are going through. If only you reach out to him will he grab onto your hand and guide you.

Jesus Calling

I've been working on being a better Christian. It's a work in progress, that's for sure. Sometimes I feel rebellious though. I'm a grown woman (OK, that sounds weird) but I am. I'm 34 yrs old, I'm a wife and a mom but when I have my own Mom telling me that I need to do this or not do that, I roll my eyes and say "I know" and try and change the subject. Needless to say, I don't like being told what to do. Period! I lived my life at home as a child and have been on my own since I moved out 4 days after turning 20. I can make my own decisions.

My mom is always telling me that I should read my Bible more. Again, the rebellion kicks in. I know I should but I don't read all that much anyways cause I can't find the time (Maybe I should be reading rather than blogging..lol) but honestly, I have a hard time reading the Bible. It's not easy to understand and so it tends to take longer to read a short chapter than if it were something easier to read. I go to church though. It's important to me. If I miss a day I tend to get that guilty feeling all day. I also sometimes miss because my husband only gets Sundays off and if he wants to go somewhere or leave Saturday to stay the night somewhere, I don't want to miss out on our family time together. I sometimes feel torn.

So, for Christmas my parents got Paul and I a devotional book called Jesus Calling. It's a daily read for every day of the year. It's as if Jesus is talking to me, individually. Since today is the 3rd day into the year, I thought I better catch up to be right on track. I will make this one of my new years resolutions, to read this devotional on a daily basis. To be honest though, Paul will not partake in this resolution. He is someone that I need to continue to pray for as he is not even close to being the least bit religious. I don't like to pester him either. He'll just have to be ready on his own.

Also for the new year I felt, in my continued journey into becoming a better Christian, I thought doing a good deed at least once a week for a random person would be a nice gesture. It may put a smile on someones face, maybe even warm their heart but it will also make me feel good for doing something nice. There is so much negativity in this world and it would be nice to see more "good doers" out there.

What an Inspiration!

Yesterday was Sunday. I always make a point to go to church unless we, as a family have "out of town" plans. As I am working on myself, I have been trying to make it a priority to make it to church every week.

About a month or two ago while at church, Pastor Larry had informed us that the former executive for Capital Records and former manager of Apple Records and The Beatles, Ken Mansfield would be coming to our church to give his amazing testimony, I had to mark my calendar.

Yesterday was the day that Ken Mansfield was at our church and what an awesome service it was. I find it so amazing and refreshing to know that someone that had the job of being the Beatles manager, a record producer to many famous recording artists and who got caught up in the life of this world and the many sinful things about it, was able to find a woman that had the passion for Jesus and was able to open Ken's eyes to the wonderful life He can offer us. It was truly amazing to be able to meet this gentleman. I am also someone who is excited to meet anyone famous and to know his story now and to have been able to be two hand shakes away from one of the biggest bands in the world was awesome!

After the service there was a book signing which of course, I had to purchase the book (pic above) and have him sign. That's when I got my hand shake...hee hee!! I'm just hoping that this opportunity in meeting Ken will give me the opportunity in getting Paul to open his eyes. Unfortunately, Paul didn't join me in going to church. However, apparently there was the SF Bay Area Christian station, KTLN 68 and they will be featuring yesterdays service at some point. I will have to record it and hope I can get Paul to watch it at some point. I will continue to pray for my babe because it scares me to know he is not right with God.

Analyzing Myself

So, it's been a week and a half since I wanted to make changes to my life. It's been very trying too, I must say. In this time, I have noticed a few things about myself that need some changing. I know that it won't be an overnight process, but I will continue to work on them. Here they are....

• I curse way too much. I noticed that when I get mad is when the words start to pour out of me. I need to try and use alternative words. It's just that when I'm mad, what comes out of my mouth is how I'm feeling at the time. I will be working on eliminating this.
• I let things get to me way too easy. I guess you can say they are little petty things. It may have something to do with the person that is saying it also. If I have issues with someone, it may bother me more than if it were someone that I don't have issues with.
• My music I listen to. I listen to rock which some may be inappropriate. I also love smooth jazz and I've found myself listening to my smooth jazz more lately cause I know it's good music and it pleases God more when I listen to it rather than the rock.
• I have a lack of patience. Now, I'm gonna be honest here. My mom has told me to pray for patience. With that may come some pretty trying times to teach me to have patience. I'm too nervous to ask for it cause I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle the testing moments. I've actually said to myself that I would rather deal with my lack of patience if the lesson were to be too great in order to earn it. I know, I need to have faith in God to guide me. I do have faith, I just notice sometimes I get too scared with certain things. I'm still working on it.
• I love to watch scary movies and spooky shows. I don't think God would appreciate it that I watch these sorts of things though. Also, my husband even said the other day that he thought he saw a ghost in the house. This stuff is "not of this world" but is interesting. Like I want to see something for myself but at the same time, I don't want to get caught up in all that cause it's evil and I know I need to stay away.
• I get frustrated with my husband. He has issues with religions so he'll say things that I feel are disrespectful of my feelings but at the same time, I feel he wants to learn and know. I feel I'm being tested when he says these things, and not by him. Like he'll tell me that the lights go out and that's it when we die. I think deep down he doesn't believe that but I don't know. I told him that if I'm right and there is a God, I have nothing to loose but he does. I just need to continue to pray for him.
• Praying is one of my weaknesses. I have a hard time remembering to pray, as I do everything else for that matter :o) I tell people that when they have problems or concerns that I will keep them in my prayers. I need to get myself a journal to write down these prayer request so that I can keep my word. I don't want to say I'll do something and then forget. I just need to learn to pray all the time. This is something I really need to work on.

The way I look at it is, this is the first step. I'm acknowledging these areas that need to be worked on. I know I can't make a change overnight. I know this will take some time. It's gonna be hard and I know that but I will have faith in God that he will guide me. :o)

I just found this scripture from another blog and i absolutely PERFECT for me right now!!

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2