I have a hard time expressing my feelings in words but I have a dilemma.
It's frustrating too!
I never claim to be perfect. I'm not. None of us are. Some may claim to be but in reality, it's impossible to be perfect. There's just one perfect being and that is God!
As I am working on being a better Christian, I tend to falter. I try and as much as I hate to admit, I knowingly falter in certain situations. So much anger will build up that I go off. Knowingly go off.
I have made progress over this past year. I have....but I still stumble.
I'm trying to set an example for my husband so that he can see these changes in me and want them for himself. When he sees me knowingly stumble, he says that he thinks that just because I'm a Christian and claim to not be perfect {and never will be}, that I think it's a "free ticket" to falter and stumble.
It's not fair!
I'm trying and I feel no matter what I do, I feel I have to watch my every move and absolutely be on my best behavior all the time otherwise my husband will think that I'm secretly thinking "Just real quick....here's my free pass to act like this". I'm not perfect....I'm just human!
Sure, I say I'm not perfect and will absolutely never claim to be and sure, I will knowingly mess up but I am honestly trying here. These are things that I am working on as a person. I have anger problems and they just can't be fixed over night. It's so frustrating to be told how I think when I don't think like that. I never in my mind think "I'm a Christian and I'll misbehave right now but when I'm done, I'll just pray to God and he'll forgive me." That is just NOT me. That's not what I feel OR think. It hurts!
It hurts to think that my husband may see me like that. It's just he has issues with religion and hypocrites and I try to explain to him that it's not about a religion. It's about a personal relationship with God. Also, that it's harder to be a Christian then it is to be a sinner.
God knows deep down what I feel.
I pray my husband will see this as well.
